


Breathe for Me

by okkaykate



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 14:30:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18209567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okkaykate/pseuds/okkaykate
Summary: Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Johnny and Kun have been roommates and close friends for more than two years, but they part, and Johnny has to figure out everything just by his instincts and feelings. With Kun appearing there and feeling the same things too.





	Breathe for Me

**Author's Note:**

> I really cant explain this. I took like three hours in the middle of the night to write this all on my phone. This is all very confusing and unspecified so have fun and thanks. To all those who enjoy JohnKun heavily, i did my best to bring justice to it.

It wasn’t Kun’s fault he was perfect, if any it was Johnny’s fault for wishing he could always wake up to that delicious smell of food that just screamed home, and a dazzling smile and a handsome man to gaze at him on his most tiring days and nights. He was a dear and caring friend.

They’d lived together as roommates for what felt like forever. At first it was Johnny desperately trying to find someone who would bear to share an apartment with him and help him with buying the general necessities of a living space. He never quite expected the lovely friendship and tasty cooking to follow.

He had no bad points it seemed. Kun was flawless. He was innocent, but he was also responsible and amazingly always calm in any situation. Even if he did procrastinate his work sometimes, he never broke out in stress like Johnny did. He would just tell Johnny he’d be working in his room for a while and then come back with a perfect presentation of words and visuals for any assignment. 

He was always passionate, but never greedy. He worked hard, but never seemed to overkill himself. He had balance.

On the other side, Johnny was all the extremes. Sometimes he would talk endlessly and only joke around and complain about work, and other days he would say nothing and work in silence with unnecessary snappiness. He always indulged himself more than he would like to admit. He always went the extra mile to do something nice for himself, or at least to get something he wanted. He didn’t see himself as someone who was caring though. Yes, he cared for people and listened, but he simply didn’t see himself as helpful.

Sure, need to reach the top shelf? Got it. While at it he’ll grab a mug for himself too. Johnny wasn’t sure if he was just taking advantage of situations or something else.

Anyways, he was a maddening man at times. 

He hoped Kun understood that Johnny had faults. He couldn’t control his own habits perfectly, couldn’t focus too long on something, ate more than he had to, and that he just really was a person following the flow of life.

Of course Johnny wanted a purpose, a goal, but in the end he just wanted to live happy and free of restrictions. He wanted to live in his life and not merely plan and execute it.

He wondered if Kun understood that.

Kun was a man of habit too, but it was all good habits and simply routine. He got up at the same time, did his light morning jog, had classes or work, went to the store after, did his homework, made dinner, showered, and slept. His only real bad habit was picking at his nails constantly, jarring the edges over and over again.

Whenever Johnny saw him do it, it made Johnny anxious and unsettled. It was a mixing feeling of his stomach and Johnny just wanted to flatten out Kun’s hand so he couldn’t pick and scratch at his nails and palms further.

But past all that, Kun was different other than being just perfect. He listened so well and he just responded so well to everything. In both words and actions. Everything just fit and felt connected with him. 

Kun could probably persuade the Earth to stop moving in the right circumstances if he so intended. Everything out from his lips was just comforting and soft. It gave a sense of protection and care, but with a mix of objective and personal senses that most people couldn’t grasp.

Johnny could always talk for hours, but with Kun he felt heard and he didn’t need to repeat himself. Kun would console him rather than let him complain about the same thing ten different times in the last hour.

And the cherry on top was that he was handsome and cute with dimples and an irresistible smile.

Kun was like the dusk. The falling of the sun. The wind cutted into a light breeze and it may become just a little chillier than the earlier day, but it was natural and could be fixed by a light blanket. Everything about him was light and beautiful. It was colorful and softly vibrant. He was a calm evening that turned to complete darkness. And it was calm darkness. The kind where the wind didn’t whistle and the black outside was only blackness and lights. There was no reason for doubt. There was no guessing, but there was curiosity. 

Johnny didn’t know why a part of Kun followed him everywhere. It made him confident though. That a perfect man was by his side and cheering him on. He sometimes wavered though, when Johnny was too stressed. Kun’s words were sweet poison in those moments and Johnny could only mentally yell back that the words weren’t true. He was an imaginary phantom that trailed him. 

When the true Kun would appear Johnny would feel speechless at times. He wondered what was his imagination and hopes and what was truly real and genuine. 

Being near Kun made his fingers tingle and his chest rise higher and higher. 

Then he had to leave. 

It really wasn’t a big deal. It really wasn’t, but woah.

Johnny had lived without Kun around, without even knowing Kun before, but his home just felt empty.

Kun having to move out was a meaning of finance, that made sense. With all the providing he did for the household and the time he put into homework and cooking with less time to work for a job, it was obvious.

Kun had explained to him the situation straight out. He didn’t hide anything really, at least that of which Johnny knew. He suggested getting more roommates, together, but their apartment was already small and they couldn’t fit more. Maybe they could have, but Johnny didn’t want to branch out.

He suggested moving out of the current apartment and joining with some friends in a larger one. It was close by. They were nice people. Johnny wondered if the expenses would still be the same, but then again there would be a chance that Kun wouldn’t have to be the only one grocery shopping. On the other hand, if the job had been given to Kun it would probably become twice the current price he spent at the store.

Johnny wanted to stay as they were, but there were some daily functioning problems, on his side of the roommate bargain. It seemed that Kun had been having financial problems for quite a while due to the gruff way he began speaking when they started the conversation. It felt like Kun was holding back, and Johnny didn’t really understand it. He was also speaking quicker, even more stern than usual.

Once Kun left, after a mere hour or so Johnny already felt useless and an impending doom upon him. He had no idea how he would find another trusted roommate and keep them around, especially in the middle of the school year. 

Johnny debated calling Kun and asking to move in with the group of men Kun then roomed with, but he didn’t want to intrude. Johnny knew his mentality was already broken by the time he looked in the fridge. He hadn’t made his own meal in so long. He had practically nothing.

The tall man went to bed early, but he didn’t fall asleep for a while. Every sound just annoyed him. The darkness wasn’t dark enough and he felt a clawing at his throat to speak but no one was there. His pride wavered as he looked towards his phone. For so long prior he had tried to rely on only himself, but he always became so dependent on other people— for advice, for simple decisions, for support. 

He noticed his nails were longer than usual and wanted nothing more than to cut them off right then and there. He hated it. Johnny sighed and opened his phone instinctually from his bedside table.

He didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t know if he would get a response at this time of the night when Kun was supposed to be sound asleep. All until 6:40 am. When the day was starting, he would be waking up to start his.

He pressed the call button because he thought his breathing could say more than words.

It rung. Fear struck through Johnny. The fear of being left behind. 

Hope dwindled. His throat went dry and he gulped, curling up his legs slowly.

It was answered after the third ringing sound.

“Hey, Johnny?” A scratchy voiced Kun grumbled out. The thing he said next made Johnny’s lips dry. “Are you okay?”

Kun was too nice. Too caring or just too perceptive, Johnny never knew. Kun didn’t yell at him as to why he was calling at ass o’clock at night, but asked him if he was okay. Johnny’s first instinct was to quickly reassure Kun he was okay. To tell Kun he was just stupid or it was an accident and hang up, but he couldn’t.

Johnny breathed out, it almost sounded like a sigh. A moment passed. Kun’s voice quieted down even more. “Johnny? Are you asleep? Is everything okay?” Johnny could feel the worry from Kun’s voice at the last phrase. He could imagine the messy light brown hair and frantic eyes.

Johnny extended his legs out within his blankets and shuffled to his other shoulder in his bed, facing the wall. “I’m okay.” He laced incoherently into the air. Johnny himself wondered what he was saying, what his point was, why he had called Kun.

“Did I forget something there? What is it?” Kun’s voice lessened in worry just a little, it became louder too.

Johnny breathed.

“Johnny…” A few more moments passed. “Are you okay?” Kun was stern then. Serious. Johnny didn’t know how he was to react.

Johnny thought of just telling Kun to talk to him through the phone, but Kun didn’t deserve to lose sleep over him and his foolish emotional desires.

“John, do you need to talk?” Silence. “Do you want me to come over?”

The man closed his eyes and cracked his ankle for a moment, humming. Johnny licked his lips, considering all the pros and cons. With hesitation he responded, only a whisper of a noise. “Yes.”

“Okay, do you want me to say on the phone with you?” Kun asked gently, there was a soft sound of rustling and then creaks of wooden floorboards and then the landing of shoes.

“If you want.” Johnny tried nonchalantly. His voice was thick and it almost cracked. He played with part of his bangs and sighed at how greasy and strangely it all felt.

“Okay, okay.” Kun processed. Johnny had never seen Kun work on his projects first hand. The only real goals Johnny had seen Kun work on was cooking recipes and when they talked about rooming together originally. He guessed he was the next goal, and he wasn’t sure what that meant. “What do you want to listen to.”

Johnny’s mind scrolled through ideas. The car sounds, classical music, soft indie, you talking, just your breathing, you, or nothing. He only breathed out. His voice was rougher than before even. “Just… Just anything.” He really sounded more worn out than he thought he was.

Kun accidentally clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, another thinking habit, Johnny assigned. “What do you wanna talk about, Johnny? Do you have a topic or questions or anything?” This helped. This really helped with whatever this was.

“What’s your favorite time of day?”

There was a quick moment of thought, before confirmation. “Dawn.”

“Dawn,” Johnny repeated back, “why dawn?”

There was the clicking sound of a turn signal. He’s coming.

“Hm… Well, it’s just bright and slow. It’s when the world wakes up. You start to hear the birds and the chipmunks and everything. The sky turns blue and everything is quiet, but it’s comfortable.” Kun took another moment in. “I mean it may be just because I watch the sunrise every morning on my jogs, but dawn. Yeah, dawn.”

Johnny breathed again. “I see.”

Silence laid over them and Johnny heard the car door shut through the phone. “Is the door unlocked?”

“Yes.” Johnny wondered if Kun had gotten rid of his keys, but at that same Kun also came to him without any explanation, without any real reason. He just came at Johnny’s call. Literally.

Kun hummed. Johnny felt like he could see him. He could picture him. It was starting to drizzle and the street light would illuminate him until he made it inside and ran up the flights of stairs.

“I’m here.” Kun said at some point from when Johnny blanked out. There was no movement. “Should I end the call now or..?”

Johnny couldn’t breathe. “I’m in my room.”

He heard the main door open and lock. “Okay, Johnny. I’m coming.” He could hear his voice. 

The footsteps approached, and had it been any other night in such circumstances of hearing footsteps Johnny would have inched away from the door and hid under the blankets.

The door opened, and Johnny ended the call. There he was. Johnny felt his heart pounce.

He saw Kun put his phone in his trench coat pocket and place the coat on Johnny’s dresser. He was in a hoodie and sweats, his shoes were still on, but he tossed them off in a flash.

Maybe he was midnight. He was clear but blurry. Vulnerable but wild. Reliable and unexpected. Johnny felt like crying and he had no idea why.

Johnny gave him a indescribable expression and shrinked up, sitting up. “Johnny?” Kun called softly.

Kun closed the door and made his way over to the side of the bed, sitting on it’s side and lightly grabbing one of Johnny’s hands. Kun smelled like his creamy shampoo and moisturizer. All calm and vanilla-like. Tranquility was the only way Johnny could even begin to describe the situation. He only felt tranquility.

“Are you okay?” Kun asked even lighter.

Johnny nodded slowly in the dark, feeling his heart clench.

Kun squeezed his hand and looked down. “Words, please.”

Johnny licked his lips as if to say it but nothing came as his throat constricted.

Kun looked back up at him, turning onto the bed to fully face him. “I need you to talk to me, okay? Words. I need to hear it.” Communication. Still stern and disciplined, and comforting Kun.

“I’m okay, I’m okay.” He rushed out.

They settled. “Why’d you call me?” He didn’t sound angry. He was concerned. 

“I— I don’t know.”

Kun took a deep breath. “Every choice has a reason even if you don’t think about it. It can be in your subconscious. It can be anything. Do you have any idea why you called for me?” He wants to solve my terror.

Johnny thought for a long while. “You’re safe, Kun.”

“Did something happen?” Kun asked a little too quickly. He didn’t understand. He had the door unlocked what if someone broke in or… 

“No, no. Nothing happened. Nothing happened.”

Kun’s shoulders relaxed. “Then why do you say that?” Step by step.

“I’m used to you being here.”

Kun blinked slowly and nodded. “Why- What were you feeling like?”

“I don’t know.” Johnny stated with a whimpering voice. Kun squeezed his hand. “I just don’t feel good. That’s all I can say.”

“Do you know why?”

“I think I don’t like knowing you won’t be here.”

“You- What do you mean by that?”

Johnny looked at Kun with genuine eyes, filled with sincerity. “I mean what I said. I don’t really know anything else. I was just compelled to you— instinctively in the moment and I don’t know why or anything but I just— yeah.” Johnny wasn’t sure if he was lying or not.

Kun nodded, relaxing slowly after repeating it all in his head. “What can I do to make you feel better?”

“Talk to me.”

“About what?”

“Anything, the stars, life, your desires, anything.”

Kun settled down, laying under Johnny’s sheets and resting his head against the pillow. He broke their hands. Johnny dropped down too. Kun thought for a moment. “I think… I think the stars are pretty I guess? I like them I'd say. Even though they are probably all gone now in the sky at least they give me mesmerizing light to look at even after their true death, yeah? They live on in our memory as beauty.”

Johnny nodded. He suddenly wanted to grab Kun’s hand again. 

“About life? Well, life is life. I guess? You can’t be sure of anything, right? You just have to ask yourself questions and answer them the best you can because there is no real right answer. It’s all specific.” He continued on. Johnny was lost within himself.

“Desires? I guess I desire happiness. If that is even a full possible concept, heh. Happiness is personal and comes from many things. I don’t need one large happiness I just need small and reliable happiness’ that are all genuine.”

“Anything else?” Kun was smiling slightly. Johnny didn’t know what to do.

“Kun,” He called out.

“Hm?”

Impulse. It was all impulse, but it was so true. It was in the simplest way. “I don’t want you to go away. I still want to be your roommate.”

Kun sighed. “Johnny, I… I don’t have control over that. I can’t choose anything—“

“No. That’s not right. You always choose even subconsciously.” Johnny shot back. His voice was a little too fierce.

“Johnny, the reason I can’t be your roommate is-“

Johnny’s eyes widened. “Wait, there’s a reason why I can’t be your roommate? I thought you just couldn’t afford it.” The distance widened and Johnny just felt himself shaking.

“Johnny,” Johnny’s eyes wandered off. “Johnny.” Kun’s eyes were sharp then and direct. Johnny wanted to hide from them, but was forced to look. “You know it’s not like that. Don’t misunderstand. I want to be your roommate too.”

“Then why did you leave so easily. Why didn’t we try to compromise more?”

“Johnny, listen. There is— This is not good for me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I— I don’t know. Nevermind, just, I didn’t move out because I wanted to get away from you okay?” 

“Then why?”

“Johnny.”

“I’m sorry, Kun, but I really just don’t understand. And I want you to tell me.” Johnny sighed. Kun breathed and looked off in silence. Johnny narrowed his eyes at Kun. “Words.”

Kun licked his lips and he began to pick at his fingernails. Distracted by the action, Johnny sighed again and grabbed both of Kun’s hands. “Stop it.”

Kun looked over at Johnny with a blink as if lost. He then blinked a couple times more, lost again. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Kun?” Kun snapped back.

“Johnny.” He murmured, mesmerized.

“Yeah.” Johnny simply responded.

“I don’t know what to say.”

Johnny’s blank expression dropped even lower. “Do you hate me?”

Kun furrowed his brows and shook his head wildly, their hands swinging with it. “No, no, Johnny, that’s not it.”

“Then what is it, Kun? I have a right to know.” Kun sighed, almost lost again. Johnny never thought he’d be the one to tell Kun this. If anything it would be the other way around. “Kun. Focus.”

Kun blinked again with a deep breath. “I can’t, Johnny.”

“What’s wrong?”

Kun’s eyes searched Johnny for something. “I don’t know.”

Johnny sighed. “Come on, Kun, I know you know, okay? Just tell me, I promise I won’t let anything you say affect me.” Maybe Johnny was being too direct, too loud, too himself.

Kun’s eyes were so fragile, their hands swung with each other once again. “It will, John.” 

Johnny got frustrated. “Kun, forget it’s me. Just tell me, alright?”

Kun settled a bit and Johnny only held their hands lightly in place, looking at Kun and expecting.

Kun sighed and breathed, closing his eyes. Johnny looked at him, expecting for all his mistakes to come out. “I think I might be a bit in love with Johnny Seo.” He said, and opened his eyes. He looked so vulnerable.

Johnny was properly surprised. He had no idea how to respond. Was it what was wrong as Kun suspected? How could this perfect man even love the messy man if even just a little, and what did that mean. Was he supposed to be formal and pretend it wasn’t him. What was he supposed to express? Kun began to ramble on at Johnny’s confused expression. Taking it the wrong way.

“— I don’t know if that’s the right word I mean, or it’s too much. Love. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just sexually frustrated. Maybe I’ve just been lacking affection or I’m just I don’t know— lost? but—“

Johnny squeezed their hands to calm him. It worked.

They both breathed.

“Johnny,” Kun just said it to say it and Johnny’s heart flew and broke at Kun’s cracking voice.

Johnny brushed the fallen hair out of Kun’s face only to have it fall back again. “You’re okay.” He must have sounded just a bit too nonchalant and he didn’t dare to move closer in fear of messing up something.

Kun bit his lip and nodded slowly, looking torn apart.

Johnny noticed and could tell he was doing this the wrong way somehow. But leave it to the imperfect man to convey his feelings wrong in body language. In the opposite way even.

Kun’s eyes dropped and his fingers started to slip from Johnny’s grasp.

“Stay here— please.” Johnny spat out before he could even think. Kun looked back at him, surprised while Johnny felt himself heat up. “Please. I like you a lot too.” Johnny felt childish. The word ‘like’ was childish, but to hell with it. He looked childish with an almost begging expression. “It’s late too.” He peeped in with a small voice. “You shouldn’t be going out now.” Johnny hoped he understood between all his words. 

Kun slowly nodded, taken aback. “Johnny,” He began, before they shared a long gaze. They were both being honest. “I can do that… I can stay.”

Johnny grinned gigantically a little too fast, squeezing their hands again. “Thank you.” That was something. Johnny then proceeded to break their hands and pull Kun into the large warmth of a cuddle-hug. 

“Do you want me to suffocate down here?” Kun asked with a light tone and a small laugh.

“You’re not suffocating.” Johnny stated, but he lessened his hug’s intensity just a bit anyway, even if it was a joke and even if his only instinct was to hold him tighter.

Johnny breathed. “So, roomie?” He laughed sarcastically.

Kun groaned. “Do you want me to kill you?” Johnny chuckled. “Really.”

“You’re a bit in love with me. You wouldn’t. We should sleep.”

“Well, I was. And don’t question my capabilities.”

“Hey, I was just lovesick for you.” Kun poked him. 

“Johnny, you know I’d love to talk more, but I just know being this sleep deprived is not good for me.”

Johnny hummed. “Fine.” He whined, squeezing Kun in between his chest and neck. “But I’m making you sleep in. No morning run.”

“You don’t have a choice in the matter.” Kun retorted.

“I thought you were going to sleep, Kunnie.” Johnny laughed. 

“I am. I am.” Kun murmured and snuggled in, basking in everything they had became and were to become.

Surrounded in trust, and love and everything. The world was unsure, but they knew each other. And that was plenty enough for them. It was messily perfect. It was the two of them.

A moment passed and more and more moments. Even more and more moments. Good moments, beautiful ones. Even the hard ones, but they were there. And they would be there forever. Even as they all disappeared.

And forever for each other they breathed. Until there was nothing left and they could barely do it.

All they did was breathe and love.

And they breathed even when they didn’t. When they couldn’t.

They breathed. On and on.

They breathed.

**Author's Note:**

> JohnKun grow old together and die. Thank you. Goodbye. I’ll see you in this river of tears.


End file.
